February 22, 2012

Former Feelings

I was looking through some of my old poems, songs, journals and other things I'd written a couple years ago when I realized how much I've changed. The girl in those entries was miserable. She was insecure, lonely, bitter, and just always looking for something more. She felt like she didn't fit in and should've been born at a different time.

Here's something I wrote:
"I'm lonely a lot more than people would think. I don't mean lonely like there's no one around or no one cares, necessarily. I just feel it more inside and sometimes I wonder if I secretly like the way that feels because it comes up often." I quoted some lyrics from Kelly Clarkson's 'What's Up Lonely?' song, then continued with ,"I'm good at hiding the fact that I'm lonely. No one really knows. I mean sure, I tell people things obviously, but I don't like the subject of loneliness. It makes me feel vulnerable, and I don't like the way that makes me feel."

Looking back now with a different perspective, things were never really as bad as I made them out to be. I feel bad for the girl writing all that stuff, because there was so much to be seen and so many opportunities that could have been hers. She missed all the signals and signs....but, you know what? Everything happens for a reason. It all led me here, and I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I made the decisions I did for a reason, even if I don't fully understand that right now. I can't hold onto any of that anymore. I'm the happiest I've ever been :) I have God to thank for that.

That's all for now,

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