June 26, 2014

Ed Sheeran and Overthinking

It’s a summer evening, and I should be out on the town, I guess, because the night is young. I mean, I’m 22 and that’s the “year of fun,” so I hear. But, I’m not. I’m just chilling on my bed, listening to Ed Sheeran, reading old Taylor Swift blogs and doing a lot of thinking about life, as I so often do during the summer. I’m thinking that a lot of the dreams I have feel so far away, but oh, so close at the same time. That’s a very sweet thing to feel that they are finally within reach. But, how to go about it is another question entirely. There have been a million things in my life that I’ve never dreamed of happening, but they’ve happened. And there have been some things that I’ve strategized, planned and prayed for, and they’ve come at the right moment when God knew I needed it or they just haven’t happened at all. And it would hurt so bad at the time, and I’d wonder why. Why in the world do all of these other people get it, but I don’t? How come they get a boyfriend and I don’t? Why do they get to move to Nashville and I don’t? But, then I’d understand years later why it didn’t happen the way I SO hoped that it would. Now, I trust His timing completely, even though I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get impatient or question my life from time to time. On a lot of these summer evenings, I dream about Nashville. I don’t think “if” is even a question anymore, it’s “when” I’m going to move there. But, now I have so many other concerns that I didn’t have before. I want to work in the industry back there…But, how? I haven’t made any official connections back there, and I didn’t go to school there. How do you work your way in when you’re an outsider? Not everyone has that opportunity. Does that just mean that it won’t happen? Or maybe an unexpected door will open, and I have no reason to stress. But, it’s hard not to. 

I just keep thinking about how excited I am to be graduating VERY soon. But, then I keep hearing about all of my friends’ real life concerns now, and that doesn’t sound so fun. They tell me to live at home and save money for as long as I can and to take advantage of it, because once you’re out, there’s no turning back. I’ve finally accepted that I’m okay with where everything is at, but the thought of going to school again for another year just makes me want to cry. I’m not ready for that again. It’s also hard to enjoy the last moments (or year) of school, when you’re trying to plan for the future as well. It’s like you have to think about school, as you’re still registering for classes and all that other nonsense, but then you also need to start preparing for life outside of it with jobs and networking. Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to be an adult. BLAH.

And then I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot more. But, this time about how grateful I am that I’m not IN one and that I don’t want one anytime soon. I’m not saying that I don’t want one someday, because I absolutely do. It’s just that I keep seeing so many people get engaged or married, and I just don’t know if they’re ready. It’s not my place to judge, and I think some people DO know that they’re ready and that they can handle it, but a majority of them just give “young love” a bad name. Most of the time, they just don’t work out and it breaks my heart that they didn't fight for it, or they just weren't a good fit from the beginning and forced it, because they felt desperate. You barely know who you are in your early 20’s. But, I digress. The thing is, I don’t like feeling like I have to answer to people. I don’t like having to make sure that I’ve replied back to someone’s message in a timely manner before they start getting all insecure and questioning whether I still like them or not. I don’t really even like making plans when I don’t have to…Sometimes I really have to psych myself up to go out with friends. And then there’s the whole “people talk” thing. They speculate about your relationship, they suddenly want to ask a million questions and tell you how you should be doing things. And I just wonder, after all of that, is it really worth it? Sometimes I also wonder if it’s that I just get too close to people too fast and I have to get away before anything happens, before I start to NEED them. Because I know too well what it feels like to be rejected and to be the one who was left out. I’d rather be the runaway who doesn’t have to deal with the repercussions. Leaves town and doesn’t look back. 

In other news, I was listening to Ed Sheeran’s album, and because I was like, “okay, how good is it really and why does everyone keep talking about it?” And then I listened to it, and it actually lives up to the hype. He’s so original and different, and has this brilliant way of arranging lyrics and music in general. So many great love songs, which I’m a sucker for and make me stop to think about that “future someone.” It just makes me picture being in a coffeehouse and just having a meet cute with someone new, which blossoms into something very special and wonderful. I’m ALWAYS curious and trying to figure out how I’m going to meet my future love. Apparently, that isn’t something that everyone thinks about. Hmm…I think it’s obvious that I have too much time on my hands. 

Right now, I’m curled up on my bed, with only dim light on, with a blanket over my legs, because it’s chilly. Smokey is chilling next to me; making herself very cozy. And I’m trying to figure out what I should do next? It feels like a music listening kind of night (although, when is it not one of those nights?) Daydreams are still swirling in my mind and I’m just really excited about life right now. It’s a good place to be and it’s a good day to be me. 

That’s all,