January 2, 2013

Happy New Year

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

I think this is the first time I've actually been really sad to say goodbye to a year. I'm starting to wonder if anything can top the memories that I had in 2012? It seemed just about perfect in every way. Even looking at some of the bumpy moments, they've turned out to be better for it in the long run. I feel like I started such a cool journey, but wonder if adding to those moments now will mess up the really great thing I had, or if it will just continue to grow and blossom into something even more wonderful? I guess there's only one way to find out and that's to just jump in. But, I feel more fearful now, and I'm not really sure why. *More on that later.*

I was able to sleep in and still felt exhausted. I don't know why I've just felt completely out of it lately, but maybe it's staying up too late every single night. Anyway, my mom was making pancakes, and I wasn't about to miss that, so I got out of bed and went to the kitchen. My mom fixed me a plate; I sat at the counter with my dad and ate. We turned on the Rose Bowl Parade in the living room and watched that for awhile, before I decided to start getting ready, since we were going over to my grandparents' house. 
Even as I was getting ready, I felt like this cloud of unfulfilled dreams and wishes is following me around. I just constantly feel like I should be doing something else or be somewhere else, and I have no idea why, because I don't even know what I feel like I should be doing right now. 
This was what I had on....
Then, I decided to change to this! 
We made it to my grandparents' house, and my aunt and uncle were already there. The minute we walked in, my grandpa asked me where my boyfriend was. I'm like "Uh, I don't have one..." and nervously laughed. He was like, "I thought you'd be bringing a boyfriend over today." Yeah, this time last year, I would've been thinking the same thing too, grandpa. But, it looks like it's another year of that NOT happening. So, there's that....
I decided to head to the kitchen with my aunt, grandma, and mom. We ended up sitting at the table for the rest of the afternoon; eating, talking, and all breaking out our ipads or phones looking up whatever. About midway through the day, I felt inspired to start looking into internships or something, because I feel stuck. I feel like I need to do something, but I'm not sure what. I want to get out of town, even though, it'll still be a little while for that. Right now, I have nothing to lose. I have nothing holding me back, so I might as well give something a shot right? I've always wanted to do an internship at Warner Brothers or Ellen, but as of lately, I thought the program at Disneyland sounded like a great experience. I really want to do something BIG with MY life this year, instead of just supporting some other actor or musician. I'm taking the wheel, and I'm going to make something happen. But, God has the final say, of course.
My day>>>
Then, I started looking up inspirational quotes on Pinterest...and The Office on Tumblr....

My cousin came over a little later, then we had dinner, which was delicious. Our conversations at the table never get old, either. If only we could have dinner with the entire family every night, I'm telling you we could have our own sitcom. My family is hilarious! And I don't even know that they're always trying to be. But, I love them, oh, so much!
We spent a little while longer visiting, then came home. I was still feeling a bit frazzled and I was still feeling extremely anxious about making a decision for whether or not I should do the worship team for the youth at church. I thought it kinda sounded like a good idea at the time, in passing, but the more I seriously think about it, I just don't know if I really want to. I keep praying about it, and in my experience when I've still felt anxious about it, my deciding not to do it has been okay. I just don't want it to go by and me missing the opportunity. Last year, whenever I was given an opportunity and it sounded like something I really felt called to do or that sounded like a learning experience, I'd jump at the chance, and sure I was nervous, but more in an excited way. This time, I don't really know exactly how I feel. But, maybe I really want to do it, and I'm just scared. I'll probably be driving myself crazy until Sunday afternoon, debating on whether or not I should do it. UGH! I hate making decisions. I wonder if I can end up doing it later on if I decide I'd still like to get involved.

I asked a friend to say a prayer for me, and I felt a little more at peace. I decided to watch The Office, and after almost losing my mind, I finally got to sleep around 3 or later.

Hope you all have a happy new year and that 2013 is your time to do something really great.

No comments:

Post a Comment