August 4, 2014


This summer, I've had nothing but time on my hands. Sure, I've taken a few trips, but on the day to day, I'm SO BORING. I don't hang out with my friends, because they're usually either busy hanging out with other friends, working or going on vacations of their own.

Of course, that has me thinking a lot about last summer. I felt like I was very much on a journey to set goals for the rest of my life and to get ready for the storm about to take place at the university. I had ideas and I knew what I wanted for the far off future, along with setting goals for right then (starting school, getting my license, feeling okay about being single), but I had no idea all of the opportunities and the people I would meet in such a short amount of time after I started the university. It was like in an instant, my entire life changed. It's everything I think I've probably wanted and in ways that I didn't even realize.

But, back to the topic of last summer. Last summer, I had crazy adventures in Nashville, LA, and even at home. I hung out with friends, I spent time with family, and I prioritized my life. I had nothing to think about and I was able to fully live in the moment, just enjoying whatever was right in front of me. I was challenging myself, I was taking risks and I was having the time of my life.

Here's the video of "Summer 2013" and all of the epic-ness that ensued from it:

This time around, I've been doing a lot of reminiscing. I feel like as I come up on my last year of college, I'm saying goodbye to yet another chapter in my life. It seems that my 20's have been just that. An endless string of goodbyes - all at different times, but still something to get used to. I've been looking at a lot of old pictures and reading through old journals again lately, getting back in tune with the young, optimistic dreamer that I once was...When I didn't think about the obstacles or setbacks that would come along with the goal. I just wrote it on my bucket list, said a prayer and hoped for the best, not worrying about whether it would or wouldn't happen. Now, I obsess more about the details. It feels like there's more at stake if the dream doesn't happen. Where do I go from there? What else would I even want to do? I've always picked pretty impractical careers (singing, acting, writing), so I can't see myself in a typical 9-5 job that I hate. *SIGH*

I'm still having a lot of fun this summer, don't get me wrong. When I've had big moments, they've been BIG. But, there's also been a lot of loneliness, boredom and pure fear that I've had to work through. Sometimes I don't even truly know how I feel about each given situation until I'm writing about it and processing it. Sometimes feelings and emotions are just a big hot jumbled mess, you know?

I like that I have this time off. 2013-14 have been a couple of the craziest years of my life, and I just needed some time away from EVERYTHING and everyone. I kind of go MIA during the summer - hanging out and doing anything feels like a struggle. I'm taking advantage of these days while I can.

The biggest thing I keep having come to mind is that in my day to day life, I'm not very adventurous and I'm not very spontaneous. I've NEVER been that way. I was always great at taking risks like running for class president or auditioning for something, talking to a celebrity, submitting a story or entering a contest, I'm good. But, in the day to day things like driving a car, getting a job or hanging out with people...I can talk myself out of anything. I psych myself out, thinking that it would just be a disaster. And I feel like because of that, I've just never had that many friends. I don't get out there and meet a ton of people. I'm not very memorable. I'm always just kind of there in the background, and it seems like people don't miss me much when I'm gone. Friends constantly make plans with other people, but when I ask, it's like this big "to do" or they simply can't. I just always feel forgotten or left out of things. I guess it has always been that way, so I shouldn't be too surprised. And maybe it's my own fault. Hmph!

Maybe this is the year to change that. But, in the end...Do I really need to become more outgoing, so that people will invite me to things I probably don't (and won't) go to in the first place? Probably not. And when I think about it...Some of the most successful people in life were the ones that didn't have many friends or were always left out of plans or just grew up as an "only child," so they get what it's like (i.e. Taylor Swift, Hunter Hayes, Justin Timberlake, Carrie Underwood, etc.)...So, I don't know, maybe it's not bad company to be in. Then, one of these days when I'm successful, I can be like, remember all those times you guys only texted me when you needed something? Yeah, I do too. BYE BYE BYE. The loneliness complex has always sort of been a thing in my life, and I keep thinking that one of these days, it just won't bother me anymore. One can only hope!

That's all for now,

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