January 18, 2012

"Please don't be in love with someone else...please don't have somebody waiting on you..."

Love, you are a complex thing. I'm not quite familiar with the games you play. Why can't we all just be straightforward with our feelings and wear our hearts on our sleeves, without fear of rejection? We get our heart broken once, and for the rest of the time being we're terrified to put ourselves out there again...because the same thing is just going to happen time after time. We let the past haunt us and follow us into the future; that the way one person treated us is going to be the way everyone else treats us as well.

I just want to find someone who loves God more than he loves me, someone who will be my best friend, someone who will challenge me, be honest with me, someone who will frustrate me, and won't just tell me what I need to hear. I don't know why I keep going over this list, because it doesn't make a difference right now. I'm in the same position I've been in. I just keep reminding myself that whoever it is God has planned for me must be pretty special, because I've been waiting quite some time. And that should be my focus right now...my relationship with God; everything else will fall into place at the right time. It doesn't matter how I feel about it. I've never had a first kiss or even been on an official date...but you know what? I'm more than okay with that. I've never been boy crazy...when I meet the right one, I'll know, and until then I've had my own dreams and plans. And I still do. I've never rushed into a relationship just for the heck of it to see what happens. When I do, it means something. Because a relationship should be more than just killing time.

I wish I could be more bold and let people know right up front how I feel. But, in the times that I have, it has just backfired on me. I felt great for getting it off my chest, but let's be honest rejection sucks. There's no way around that one. I know it's leading me to something better...but it's hard just waiting around, when you don't know WHEN it's going to happen. I'm not one of those girls who can work the charm or is showy to get attention. Actually, I end up getting very shy and can't always hold a full conversation around someone I like, which can make things rather difficult at times. Especially, when you really want to, but for some reason you just hold back. Mainly, when I start to think...If I don't do anything about it, I could really miss out on something incredible. The other part of me thinks that if something is meant to be...nothing and no one can stand between that, it'll happen one way or another. I just don't want to miss my shot, ya know?

So, hopefully someday soon I will have the courage to "Speak Now" as Taylor has advised. I'll leave you with this:

‎"Real life is a funny thing you know. 
In real life saying the right thing, at the right moment is beyond crucial. 
So crucial in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. 
But lately what I’ve began to fear more than that, is letting the moment pass with saying anything. 
I think you deserve to look back on your life without this chorus of resounding voices saying, I could have but it’s too late now.
So there’s a time for silence, and there a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say.
You’ll know it.
I don’t think you should wait.
I think you should speak now.” <------- The advice I should probably be taking right about now....

That's all for now,

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