January 30, 2014

Wanna put the world away for a minute, pretend I don't live in it...

Sometimes life is just a hot mess, you know? It feels like there are just not enough hours in the day. Or maybe I'm just not making them count where it really matters. My mind is constantly a blur of ideas, to do lists and trying to categorize where it needs to go, but I just don't know how successful I am at it. Actually, I don't think I'm very successful at all.

I wake up worn out and exhausted, which just progresses with each lecture and assignment as the day goes on. There are so many things to plan for, to make sure I get it all in on time and to mainly just to pass the class overall. Really, all I end up doing is procrastinating with everything, thinking the paper will magically write itself or people will come up to me so that I can use them as sources. That sort of thing.

But, on top of that, I'm a 22-year-old girl, who still has bigger hopes and dreams than just staying in a classroom all day. I still have my insecurities and worries for the future, and I have (or would like to have) a social life, but it's hard to balance on top of everything else. How do you find time for everything?

I shouldn't be complaining, though, because I know so many people my age, who work and go to school, or some who are a little older and have to take care of their families at the same time, while working. I don't work, but I do work on some other things that might sound a little frivolous to some, but I make YouTube videos, I work on blogs, I write stories that maybe someday I will publish, and I write for the entertainment site, PopWrapped. It's stuff that is important to me, and stuff that I like putting my time into.

On another note, sometimes, by comparing my journey to others, I limit myself. I often wonder whether I have what it takes to continue as a journalism major, because I don't know if I'll ever be as good of a writer as some of the other students or the types of articles on the blogs I read on blogs. I just have to keep believing has a special plan for me that only I can do. Comparing myself to others; their status or style last quarter did absolutely nothing for my self-esteem. So, over Christmas break, I really tried to get the root of that problem. And it is something I've learned to let go a little more.

I've been questioning a few things about the path I want to keep going on. I often wonder whether I should have majored in creative writing, whether I could have done much with a degree in that. It's just that, as much as I do love meeting new people and hearing their stories, I wonder whether I have the guts to really ask those TOUGH questions. I'll say it right now-I don't like asking tough questions and I don't like making people uncomfortable. I like listening. If people want to tell me things, then great...But, most of the time, I probably won't push for anymore.

I like writing about little moments, dreams, opportunities, love, etc. Basing it on real people and real incidents that observe. I'm a wallflower and I'm constantly looking at what's going on around me, at school, at church, in the media, with my friends or on vacation. I'm inspired by so many ideas/people to write. But, I'm finding that strictly writing about real people, sometimes people I know, is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Let's just say, returning to school after Christmas break is one of the hardest things to do. I just feel really drained and finding motivation to do anything is awful. I keep waiting for this light bulb to go off where I'll be more determined than ever, but it's taking awhile. I want to feel better and more energized, but really I just want to stay under my covers all day and watch Netflix. *sigh* What I need is to start doing is : Quiet time with God again, bike ride, stay on top of my schedule for school and to just feel super pumped about attacking my to do list and finishing projects long before "the night before" they're due. And also keeping my room clean and organizing my closet. You do not want to see those right now. But, that is a whole other story.

Basically, I'm just trying to make it through one day at a time. If I look at the big picture, like I did last quarter, I'll feel way too overwhelmed, and it's just not worth it. Just gotta take things slowly and remember what I'm working towards. Can't lose sight of the dream.


That's all for now,

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